zach n kali

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" (1 Samuel 1:27). After finally adjusting to the craziness of having three kids (it only took us about a year and a half, haha!) we decided to put our names back on the fostering list in August.  During the months leading up to this, I spent time praying over the precious life that would join our family.  Prayers for his or her safety, prayers for comfort, prayers for health and protection.  As we got our room ready for the little one, I made a sign to go above the crib with 1 Samuel 1:27 written on it.  It only seemed fitting. In my deepest heart I wanted this little one to know that he was already loved. Not surprisingly, the day we went back on the list we got a call.  A newborn baby boy, waiting in the NICU for a family.  We were it.  And oh how we loved him! He hadn't been named, and Samuel felt like the perfect choice.  Our Sammy began to grow and thrive and smile ...

Over the past six months I have done so much thinking about the need for more foster families. During National Foster Care Awareness month in May I heard number after number - over 20,000 children in foster care in LA county, over 60,000 in California.  I have been discouraged by the consistent high numbers of children in the system, waiting for someone to provide a safe, nurturing home.  I have wondered what difference we could possibly be making when the number is that high.  I have felt burdened to the point of wishing that I could stick my head in the sand and pretend that there was no need at all. Close my eyes, look the other way.  Revert to the old plan - small little family, our safe little life. Oh but what a selfish way to live. Pretending that the problem doesn't exist will not solve it.  Looking the other way does not give a child a warm bed.  I have lifted my tired heart to God and told him that I was tired of feeling called and hearing of th...

It's been a few weeks since our sweet baby D went back home to his family.  What a roller coaster! Sometimes fun, sometimes exhausting, sometimes frustrating, sometimes fulfilling... you name it, we probably felt it.  And our family grew in leaps and bounds.  After a very rough first week, I told Zach that I didn't think we could do it, that I was too tired, and that the kids were suffering - suffering, gasp, because they no longer had my complete and undivided attention!  Suffering because they had to wait their turn, and suffering because my lap was sometimes filled with someone else!  And Zach said the most amazing thing, the thing that carried me and will carry me through each new placement.  He said, "Our kids are fine.  They know that we love each other and that we love them.  Matt is at an age where he needs to learn that we have an open home, that we love other people too.  And Peyton is at an age where she needs to learn that she is ...

Dear Lord, With Thanksgiving soon approaching, I wanted to stop and just say "thanks!"  You have blessed us so richly this year - thank you for Peyton and this amazing first year we've had with her.  Thank you for the incredible ways that Matt is growing and developing.  Thank you for their health, and their humor - thank you that they sleep through the night!  And thank you for Zach's new job - you have shown yourself faithful over and over again.  Thank you for our home and our families...      You're welcome.  What are you going to do now? What Lord?      I have blessed you.  So what are you going to do with that? Well... I thought we might just sit and enjoy it for a little while. We've been working really hard.  And we've spent so much time  in prayer lately, trusting you, and everything!  And I mean, Christmas is coming, and vacation...      Why do I bless you?   ...

My blog has been on a summer hiatus.  I usually like to write about the things that I've been thinking about, so this might lead you to believe that I've been doing very little thinking over the summer.  And you're partially right.  I've been spending my summer trying to be present, live in the moment, and enjoy the blessings I've been given.  Instead of writing, I traveled, took long naps, went swimming with my family, read a few books, and gained about 15 pounds (baby wanted ice cream, what can I say?).  And these things are all great!  But you won't learn half as much from life if you don't stop and reflect.  So to catch you up to speed... On June 11, a judge declared us to be a forever family - Zach, Kali, and Matthew Sean Hocking.  I literally cannot find the words to express what that day felt like, but surrounded by our family, we felt our Father in heaven and his angels rejoicing with us.  We were so blessed to have family visit fro...

Sometimes words just cannot describe what you are feeling.  Sometimes they just don't capture a moment well-enough.  Not for lack of desire or trying, but sometimes the words just don't come.  Two weeks ago I wanted to sit down and blog about the most wonderful thing that had happened.  Two weeks ago I couldn't wait to share the good news.  And for two weeks, the words haven't come. Two weeks ago we signed the intent to adopt papers for our sweet Baby M!  He has now been with us for over a year and we continue to fall more in love with him every day.  We have learned how important each day is.  We have learned that God knows our hearts and is not setting out to hurt us even when we can't see the big picture.  We have learned the value of family and the importance of prioritizing.  We have learned to use each moment of a "waiting period". Sometimes words don't come because we are so wrapped up in the moment.  But there is value i...

I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to an organization called AdvoKids.  As a foster parent, you feel like you have very little say when it comes to court hearings and legal proceedings.  That's how I felt as our January hearing loomed ahead.  Thankfully, Advokids showed me how to have a voice and how to advocate for my child.  All it took was an email over the weekend, and a lawyer called me back on Monday morning.  She answered my questions and told me exactly what to say to the judge.  She emailed me the correct wording and additional documents to support my filing.  After that she followed up with a phone call to make sure that everything went well.  I could not be more grateful to them.  As I stood before the judge, I felt confident in my wording and my requests.  The judge even smiled and nodded - without Advokids' help, I would've have floundered and may have missed an important step.  When it comes to foster care, so ...

Many of you have asked us for an update in regards to where we are in the foster/adoption process with Baby M.  It has been quite a journey, and I feel that I am still processing each new piece of information!  To be honest, it's one that we feel more comfortable sharing with you over a cup of coffee rather than on the internet, but we want to thank you for the prayers and support we have received from you over the past year.  A year ago we had almost finished our foster certification when we hit an unanticipated snag as we waited for a set of fingerprints to clear.  At the time it didn't make sense, and the only thing that kept us going was the knowledge that God was in control and that he was working to bring the right baby into our home at the right time.  A year later, we know that this was true as we move into the next stage of adoption!  We cannot believe God's grace and goodness as we now begin to take the necessary steps to make Baby M a part of our...

Luke 12: 48 (NIV) From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. We have recently moved!  Our small space living has expanded to a sweet little house in Bellflower.  What an incredible gift this has been!  We have loved decorating, painting, and unpacking the boxes and boxes of books that have become a fixture in our home.  It has been so much fun setting up a real nursery and taking advantage of our backyard.  One of the things that we were hoping to be able to do with more space was to continue providing a safe home for children in need.  But it's easy to get comfortable!  It's easy to say, "when we're more settled", or "when we know more about M's future" or "when I'm healthier".  The great thing about asking God to lead you is that he will - even when you're "not ready".  Our hearts have wanted to do more, but our action...

I love baby dedications; I think I cry every single time.  We were incredible blessed yesterday to dedicate our sweet Baby M to God before our church family.  Our family joined us at church and we were more than excited.  But in the true spirit of unpredictability, M decided that he didn't like being on stage, and he screamed the entire time.  Who would have thought that my sweet mellow child would be the one to absolutely freak out during his dedication?  Not me.  I was flustered, embarrassed, and pretty upset.  You have an idea of how something will go and you want to remember the day a certain way, and it's upsetting when things don't go as you imagine. After the service, our pastor came up to us and said the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth.  I was waiting for the inevitable, "Well... that was something else..."  But instead, with a huge smile on his face, he said "That was cool".  I'm sorry, what?  Cool?  H...

There are many "firsts" that we will probably remember forever - first day of college, first kiss, the first time you conquered a fear... Over the past few weeks I have had a blast enjoying many of Baby M's firsts that he will more than likely not remember, but will hopefully all contribute to a deeply rooted sense that he is loved. On September 10th we celebrated his first birthday with friends and family in a Monsters Inc. themed party. I cannot express to you how blessed I was to share this day with loved ones who were equally sharing it with us. Zach's brother showed up as Mike Wazowski and was a great sport as three of the kids chased him around the yard. It meant so much to me as family jumped in to help without us even asking and even though M probably didn't have a clue what was going on, he was loved. Then a few days later M and I took his first airplane trip to Colorado! It was definitely a new experience flying with a little one, and don't t...

Last night Zach and I went to a training at Olive Crest in order to maintain our foster care license. The theme of the night was a documentary called From Place to Place followed by a discussion. The movie followed three children who had been placed in group homes as teenagers and what happened to them when they aged out of the system. The statistics were shocking. 40% of these youths will end up homeless. Over 70% of the girls will end up pregnant and over 70% of the boys will end up in prison. How can we as a society and especially as a church be ok with this? These children enter the system angry and troubled and are often "too difficult" for foster parents to handle. Instead of sticking with the children through the issues and loving them unconditionally - through the self-sabotage, through the anger, through the tough times - these children are passed from home to home and will eventually end up as a number in a group home. There they may be overmedicated and d...

Working with a government organization definitely teaches you patience. Either that or it will drive you absolutely batty. This self-proclaimed control freak is stuck somewhere in the middle. It's 9:45 and I'm sitting here waiting for my 9:00 appointment with the Department of Child and Family Services. I have two options: 1)seethe internally until the social worker gets here, at which point I will put on a smile and assure here that no, of course it was no problem at all that she was 45 minutes late and didn't call! Or, I can take a deep breath, realize that her being late is not affecting my schedule at all - I don't have anywhere else to be and this would be the perfect time to tackle those dishes! I can be grateful that I have a flexible schedule and have the opportunity to be a full-time foster mom. Not everyone has this luxury, and if I can make the social worker's job a little bit easier by being flexible, then that should be reason enough. I know which atti...

Most of the time I find myself so thankful to be where I'm at. I love being a stay-at-home foster mom and feel so blessed that God has called us to minister in this way. I catch myself watching my little boy when I'm supposed to be doing something else and finding myself so deeply in love. He's not doing anything particularly amazing or meeting any new milestones. He may be looking at his books or lying on his back talking to himself. But I cannot believe how much I love him and how blessed I am to have him in my life. And then there are days like today when I am very aware of how my life turned down this road. Days when I feel trapped in my own home because I lack to strength to go down a flight of stairs. Days when I pray that Baby M won't drop his bottle because bending over hurts so much. Days when I wonder why in the world God decided to use the pain of fibromyalgia to turn my face towards him. His ways are not our ways, that's for sure! Lord, coul...

Dear Baby Boy, I love you to the moon and back. But more importantly, I love you so much that when you spit up on me I don't gag and throw up on you. I love you so much that I don't mind not sleeping in. I love you so much that I'm willing to watch a movie in 30 minute chunks. I love you so much that I don't get mad when you pull everything out of the dishwasher. I love you so much that when you won't stop crying, I'm not thinking about my ears, but what I can do to make you feel better. I love you so much that I am willing to spend more time at Target (ok, so that's not hard, but still!) I love you so much that Belle quickly became “just a cat”. I love you so much that errands can take me all day and it's ok. I love you so much that I will sit with you for half an hour while you figure out whether or not you like chicken. I love you so much I can lose track of time just watching you sleep. I love you so much that my vocabulary sometim...

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now, but somehow time just flies by! About a month ago I got the call to take Baby M to our agency for his first visit with his bio mom. My stomach dropped. He had been with us for two weeks at that point and we were completely in love with him. But the reality remained that he still had biological parents out there who were hopefully working on getting their lives together so that they could be reunited. It was a gut check reminder that Baby M was not going to be with us forever. I spent the rest of the morning feeling anxious and even a little hurt. I wanted to protect M, and these were the people who couldn't take care of him like we could. Why couldn't life just stay the way it was? I checked the mail when I got home and I found a letter from our agency. In addition to the monthly newsletter there was an insert with a letter from a mother who had been reunited with her children after completing the court requ...

Seeing someone play with a child is incredibly therapeutic. Seeing a grandpa play with his foster grandson with absolute adoration and abandon, with no reference to "foster", that's the kind of love that makes you tear up. Yesterday I was incredibly blessed to see love freely given. My father-in-law is an incredible example of what it means to love like this. He showered M with hugs, kisses, "I love yous", and smiles. He is giving this little boy something he desperately needs - love and a strong loving male role-model. My sister-in-law put it into words well: she said, "It's amazing how I can just love him so much, yet I didn't even know about him a month ago!" Many people have said to me that they don't know how we are able to do this; they would get too attached. In a way, they're right; attachment is hard. To be perfectly honest, I cannot picture giving my sweet baby back to his family. I become physically ill when I pict...

Dear Baby Boy, I cannot believe you've been with us for over a month. I am amazed at the things I have seen: you sit up on your own for the first time, your smile that lights up the room, the laugh that can lift the world off my shoulders in an instant, your developing attachment to blondes, your introduction to solid foods, your dislike of peas, the way you babble as if it makes perfect sense, the way you've begun to crawl... Oh baby boy, I may not hear your first words, or take you to your first day of school, or see you make the football team, or walk across the stage during graduation, but I am seeing today. I am seeing you bounce around, scoot across the floor, and give face-planting wet kisses. I get to read you bedtime stories and go with you down the slide. It has been my privilege to witness these precious moments, and I will treasure them forever. Thank you for lighting up my world. I love you. Love, Mom

It's been 4 days since we brought Baby M home. As I sit here in the quiet morning, I hear him stir in his crib, and I am so overwhelmed at being able to be a part of his life. It's been 4 days, and everything has changed. My home literally looks like a tornado went through it. Chores are half done everywhere. The floor smells like formula. The couch smells like formula. I smell like formula. Belle somehow has become the best smelling thing in the house. I have rediscovered 2am. I see books lying around, begging to be read. My once cherry-blossom-themed bathroom now has a duck motif. It's been 4 days, and I have gained the world. I cannot even express to you the feelings that well up when I look at sweet Baby M. In God's grace he has made our first placement an absolute joy. Our boy is healthy and energetic, sleeps and eats relatively well, and smiles and laughs so deeply that your heart melts. The knowledge that God is allowing you to work side by side...

I experienced the most amazing blessing today – everyone at the pain management center celebrated with me as I told them about our new arrival coming later this week (we are bringing home our first foster baby on Thursday!). This is a day we've been waiting for – and I say we, because it truly is "we". Zach and I, along with my physical therapist, occupational therapist, psychologist, biofeedback specialist, and others have been getting me ready to care for this baby. Without the encouragement, advice, strategies, and support of these people, this adventure would be much more daunting. While many of the exercises seemed silly (practicing making the bed, unloading the dishwasher... vacuuming), they have all been crucial steps in me learning the appropriate body mechanics and pacing so that I can do things without increasing my pain. Today there was a spirit of celebration in the center; I could sense their excitement for me. They were a huge part of the preparation –...