Lessons from Three

It's been a few weeks since our sweet baby D went back home to his family.  What a roller coaster! Sometimes fun, sometimes exhausting, sometimes frustrating, sometimes fulfilling... you name it, we probably felt it.  And our family grew in leaps and bounds.  After a very rough first week, I told Zach that I didn't think we could do it, that I was too tired, and that the kids were suffering - suffering, gasp, because they no longer had my complete and undivided attention!  Suffering because they had to wait their turn, and suffering because my lap was sometimes filled with someone else!  And Zach said the most amazing thing, the thing that carried me and will carry me through each new placement.  He said, "Our kids are fine.  They know that we love each other and that we love them.  Matt is at an age where he needs to learn that we have an open home, that we love other people too.  And Peyton is at an age where she needs to learn that she is not the center of the world."  A tough lesson for a 13-month old princess to learn, but over the next three months we saw Peyton grow from being a jealous baby trying to sit on the new addition to smiling and rocking D in his bassinet.  We saw Matt love on this baby in ways we didn't know a three-year old could.  He would sing when there were tears and almost never failed to get a laugh.

D's stay wasn't long, but I believe it built a foundation for our family's future placements.  It was hard.  And it was fun.  And we learned a lot.  Maybe fostering has sparked your interest before.  Maybe you've never thought about it.  Maybe you know someone who is doing it.  So whether you pursue it or know someone who pursues it, here are a few lessons we have learned from having three.

1.  You will be overwhelmed.

Going from zero to one was hard.  And from one to two was hard.  But two to three was harder than I could have imagined.  Now imagine going from two to six in a matter of days.  I certainly can't!  And if awe is what you're feeling as you imagine these families, then your jaw must be on the table as mine was when I met not one, but two of these families at an Olive Crest training a few months ago.  Their stories were amazing, both taking in sibling sets of four.  I jokingly (both self-deprecatingly and seriously) said, "And I thought I was overwhelmed with three!"  Both of these women looked at me and in the most genuine and encouraging voices said, "You are!"  I could have burst into tears right then.  Because it's the truth - whether you are figuring out your first, your third, or your sixth, you probably feel overwhelmed at one, if not all, points.  It's not, "Oh wait till you have 4!" or "One is easy!"  No - you are overwhelmed right now.  When you are the mom who can't figure out why your only child won't eat or how to keep your second from sitting on your third, or how to manage the crazy afternoon activity drop-off of five, it's NOT easy, and I sure as anything at that point don't want to think about having 4!  These warrior-moms gave me the validation that I needed and allowed me to feel both overwhelmed and inspired.

2.  You will need help.

Churches, co-workers, family, and neighbors are often an amazing support when a mom brings her newborn from the hospital.  Visitors and meals often flow throughout the weeks.  But unfortunately this is not often the case when a family brings in a new foster baby or child.  But the needs are the same.  If you are a foster parents, please don't stay silent - reach out.  It's hard, but you are not alone.  You will probably feel it, but often people are in the wings just waiting to be asked.  Don't let pride get in your way.  And if you know someone who is fostering, please reach out to them!  They need you.  They might need a meal or a load of laundry done.  They might just need a text saying that you're thinking about them, that you've missed seeing them at church.  Please reach out.  Fostering can be very lonely - please do your part to support these families.

3.  You are supposed to fall in love with these kids.

We knew D would be leaving us at some point from day one.  But we committed to him that we would love him as ours until that day.  Which means that there is that much more potential for pain and loss.  Again and again, people ask us how we can let them go, that it must be so painful, that they couldn't do it because they would love them too much.  I often bite my tongue to keep myself from telling them that I can do it because I have a heart of stone.  We are supposed to love them.  That is exactly what they need.  When a baby learns early on that they can trust, they are given a step-up in life.  When they learn that there is love in the world, that someone has cared for them, seeds of trust are planted that will help them in their relationships down the road.  They have an inbred knowledge that they have been cared for during their lives.  This is why I can fall in love with them.  Because it is part of God providing them with a hope and a future.

Foster care isn't for the faint of heart, but neither is life.  Are you fit to handle life?  Then maybe, just maybe, if you're willing to stretch yourself a bit (ok, a lot!), you might be up for parenting a lost little one.  And if not (and that's ok! I don't believe it's for everyone), reach out and find those who are.  You never know when your arm is the one that they need to lean on.   We all have a responsibility to these children, whether it's directly or indirectly.

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