I'm Sure I'd Be Better If...

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Most of the time I find myself so thankful to be where I'm at. I love being a stay-at-home foster mom and feel so blessed that God has called us to minister in this way. I catch myself watching my little boy when I'm supposed to be doing something else and finding myself so deeply in love. He's not doing anything particularly amazing or meeting any new milestones. He may be looking at his books or lying on his back talking to himself. But I cannot believe how much I love him and how blessed I am to have him in my life.

And then there are days like today when I am very aware of how my life turned down this road. Days when I feel trapped in my own home because I lack to strength to go down a flight of stairs. Days when I pray that Baby M won't drop his bottle because bending over hurts so much. Days when I wonder why in the world God decided to use the pain of fibromyalgia to turn my face towards him. His ways are not our ways, that's for sure! Lord, couldn't you have moved my heart toward foster care without adding on this additional burden? Surely I would have listened! Wouldn't I be a better mother, a better wife? Now that you have my attention, completely and wholly, don't you think that maybe I could minister better without this? I mean, really I'm just thinking about you and your kingdom! I'd be better if...

Don't we always qualify our commitments. Job didn't. Would I be better equipped to handle the tasks he sets before me without pain? Probably not. Because I would be more equipped with my own strength and less equipped with Him. But some days it sure would be nice. Today there are no witty stories or lessons learned. Today there is a heart yearning to know why God works the way he does. Today there is a tired and achy body that only has enough energy to ask for grace for this moment. And He is good. That is what I cling to.

Comments

  1. CarolAugust 24, 2011 at 5:00 PM

    O, my sweet, sweet girl...I hurt for you, with you...if only we could hear his voice to these deep cries of our hearts...you have echoed the cry of my heart the past several days "grace, in this moment, for this moment" I love you so much, handprint on my heart...Mom

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